Good evening, Melissa...

Hello.

Let me begin by thanking you for inviting me to be on this blog. Now that we have a joint presence on the internet, it is likely that we will achieve fame and renown comparable to that goofy kid doing his Darth Maul dance on YouTube. But--unlike that goofy kid--our contribution to the world will be both edifying and entertaining. With your extensive wisdom and my fondness for cheap jokes, it is possible that this website right here will become the "Regis and Kathy Lee" of a new generation.

I am Regis. However, you my sweet Melissa, are more than a mere Kathy Lee. You are Oprah. So, in this sense, it is more like "Regis and Oprah", if such a thing can be imagined.

Moving right along, let me assert unequivocally that Minneapolis has worse weather than Seattle. People in Seattle have one basic complaint: the dampness. This is like being bothered by a McDonald's cheeseburger simply because it doesn't have enough mustard on it. People in Seattle are always saying, "Oh, it's so rainy! I wish it wasn't so rainy!" However, they should think of what would happen if Seattle wasn't so rainy. If it was sunny 250 days out of the year, everyone would move there. And if everyone moved there, the traffic would be much worse, the streets would be more crowded, and there'd be a bunch of Arizonans ruining all the quaint cupcake shops. So rather than scorning the rain, you should thank the rain for saving you from a scourge of retirees, golf aficianados, and other such riff-raff.

And the other day, here in Minneapolis, I was walking down the street when it suddenly occured to me that I couldn't feel my left ear. Why couldn't I feel my left ear? Because it was twenty below out and the flesh there was beginning to freeze. Does the dampness in Seattle make your flesh freeze? Or is it merely a slight inconvenience? I think we all know the answer to that question.

Our ability to deal with frozen ears is something we're very proud of here in Minneapolis. We think it makes us tough. We are a sturdy people, and we do not fear the worst that mother nature can offer. But this is merely a facade. Behind our bravado, we are frightened children, unhappy that we can't go outside without almost dying. In our secret places, we wish we were in Seattle, where we could dance down damp streets in January without the worry that our eyeballs will turn into ice cubes.