Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Superbowl? More like the STUPID-bowl! Ha!

Hello, Melissa. You're looking lovely today. As always, I hasten to add, as always.

In Minneapolis, it is rare to find chefs who actively pray over their food. You are more likely to find chefs who mash a piece of American cheese between two hamburger patties and grill up the whole greasy ball of meat and and dairy goodness. This is called the "Jucy Lucy". The spelling of "Juicy" is meant to be wrong, because badly spelled foods show that the cook was too busy pursuing his passion to worry about effete things such as proper use of the English language.

Damn, the Jucy Lucy is good. Particularly the version made at Matt's Bar on the corner of 35th and Cedar. After your waitress brings you this meaty treat, you must wait a whole five minutes before taking a bite. This is like purgatory, since the scent of it is so transfixing that a normal human's first instinct is to devour it immediately. But to do that is foolish and short-sighted! Because the cheese within--so low grade it wraps around the "cheese quality" continuum and becomes gourmet--is superheated and will spray out all over your face, giving you second degree burns and concurrently diminishing the full succor of the Jucy Lucy.

No, it is best to wait. Patience is rewarded by sensual bliss. You cannot be denied this joy a moment longer, my dear Melissa. Get on a plane, come to Minneapolis, call my cell phone, and come with me to Matt's Bar. I will purchase you a Jucy Lucy. I will even purchase you an order of fries. And then you will know true happiness.

As for football, you have touched on one of my other true passions. If it is not time for gristle-strewn beefy goodness, it is generally time for the gridiron. But I must disagree with you that pigskin professionals must have machismo-laden names. I think that the Obama-era America would benefit from a richer version of masculinity. One that does not embrace war-like and brutish mascots, but instead draws from a deeper pool. My ideas:

1) The Toledo Fancy Knickers
2) The Sacramento Debutantes
3) The St. Paul Green Party
4) The Washington Liberal Diplomats
5) The St. Louis Sassy Girls
6) The Birmingham Ballet
7) The Milwaukee Wise Accountants

What says you?

Happy Superbowl Sunday!

Happy Superbowl Sunday, Kevin!  Congratulations. You've lived to see another superbowl. How's the weather?  Are your eyeballs freezing? Yesterday was a sun shiny beautiful fifty degrees. I dined at an Indian Buffet.  The cooks prayed over the food before it is served.  Do cooks in Minneapolis bless their food?

Back to Superbowl Sunday. I'm quite confused by the names of football teams.  Take, for instance, the Arizona Cardinals.  Now, I love Cardinals.  I think they are beautiful birds.  But when I think of men smashing into each other for testosterone's sake, of a Cardinal I do not think.  All football teams should be required to name their teams inspired by macho gusto. Some examples of appropriate team labels are "The Warriors of Cleveland" or "The Knee Smashers of Prairie Dog, Wisconsin".  I compliment your state for choosing a title worthy of it's pig skin warriors.  "Vikings" is pretty good.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Good evening, Melissa...


Let me begin by thanking you for inviting me to be on this blog. Now that we have a joint presence on the internet, it is likely that we will achieve fame and renown comparable to that goofy kid doing his Darth Maul dance on YouTube. But--unlike that goofy kid--our contribution to the world will be both edifying and entertaining. With your extensive wisdom and my fondness for cheap jokes, it is possible that this website right here will become the "Regis and Kathy Lee" of a new generation.

I am Regis. However, you my sweet Melissa, are more than a mere Kathy Lee. You are Oprah. So, in this sense, it is more like "Regis and Oprah", if such a thing can be imagined.

Moving right along, let me assert unequivocally that Minneapolis has worse weather than Seattle. People in Seattle have one basic complaint: the dampness. This is like being bothered by a McDonald's cheeseburger simply because it doesn't have enough mustard on it. People in Seattle are always saying, "Oh, it's so rainy! I wish it wasn't so rainy!" However, they should think of what would happen if Seattle wasn't so rainy. If it was sunny 250 days out of the year, everyone would move there. And if everyone moved there, the traffic would be much worse, the streets would be more crowded, and there'd be a bunch of Arizonans ruining all the quaint cupcake shops. So rather than scorning the rain, you should thank the rain for saving you from a scourge of retirees, golf aficianados, and other such riff-raff.

And the other day, here in Minneapolis, I was walking down the street when it suddenly occured to me that I couldn't feel my left ear. Why couldn't I feel my left ear? Because it was twenty below out and the flesh there was beginning to freeze. Does the dampness in Seattle make your flesh freeze? Or is it merely a slight inconvenience? I think we all know the answer to that question.

Our ability to deal with frozen ears is something we're very proud of here in Minneapolis. We think it makes us tough. We are a sturdy people, and we do not fear the worst that mother nature can offer. But this is merely a facade. Behind our bravado, we are frightened children, unhappy that we can't go outside without almost dying. In our secret places, we wish we were in Seattle, where we could dance down damp streets in January without the worry that our eyeballs will turn into ice cubes.

Welcome, Kevin.

Good Evening Kevin.  It's so nice of you to join me for our premiere fireside chat.  I'm weeping on the inside with the joy of this, our first installation of "Kevin and Mel chats".  Are you crying as well? 

Readers, this is a momentous occasion, one that has never occurred in the history of the world. Kevin, do you realize this the first time we've ever ventured on a joint blog?  All of our hours of witty phone conversation are now culminating in this beautiful experience.

Which leads me to my first thought.  Who has shittier weather,  Seattle or Minneapolis? Minneapolis has frigid winters, humid summers, and tons of crazy people. Seattle enjoys a much less extreme temperature range but it's so wet!  Thirty-three degrees Farenheit in Seattle is mighty unpleasant.  It's the worst kind of bone cold imaginable.  Brrrrrh!  Plus it's very grey. When the sun comes out I become despondent because I realize what I was missing. Much like a fleeting romance sometimes it's better not to know the sun exists.

What do you think Kevin?  Perhaps I'm biased.....